myPortico

Sometimes new things are awesome. A new car is pretty awesome. So is a fistful of new dollars. New shirts, new flannel sheets, a new pencil eraser? All filled with awesome. New things make life wonderful.

Well, most new things make life wonderful.

Actually, some new things are pretty un-awesome. New cavities are pretty lame. As are new patches of skin on your once fully haired head. Does anybody like new glass shards in their eye? Of course not. New cancers, new unemployment and new kicks in the junksacks? I definitely don’t want a fresh supply of any of that.

But what I find super unawesome is being subjected to new love.

Yuck.

Flying home from my weekend visit with the kids, I had the unfortunate displeasure of sitting across the aisle from a young couple in love. You know the couple: newly together, newly in love, newly married, newly my worst enemies.

It was so cute it made my gag reflex kick in like a Mormon bride on her wedding night. I’m sure it’s documented somewhere, but it’s a known fact that new love has a way of making a newlywed couple think they’re the only people for miles around on a fully packed Southwest flight. They see nobody, hear nothing, and notice not at all that the projectile vomit hurled in their direction is even there, let alone a result of their particular brand of newlywed cuteness.

Between giggles and flirts and a fair amount of jumbo-jet lovin’, they admitted to the woman seated next to them that—and may I say, this wasn’t just a woman seated next to them, this was an excruciatingly gorgeous, female SkyWest pilot deadheading to San Diego; her long blond hair cascaded over her cosmetics model face and down to her uniform that hinted of a body that could make a priest turn dark—that they had only been married six months.

Six months.

Awwwww…so cute.

I remember six months. I remember being in love once. I remember the feeling of every joke being hilarious and every exchange momentous. And important. And meaningful.

What happened to those days?

Sitting on the plane, I couldn’t help but remember the time I was in the exact same position they were. New love, new girl, new flight to a new city for new adventures with an entirely new world of new possibilities. It staggers my now very old mind.

Too many years ago to count, my big bro was getting married. I asked Eventually-to-be-Ex Mrs Portico to join me. She did. We were so young. So in love. So excited. In fact, we were newly engaged as I had asked her to marry me not 5 weeks earlier. Hell, we were so new, we’d only met 6 months before that. Yes, life was definitely new.

So with joy in our hearts, Eventually-to-be-Ex Mrs Portico and I were on a plane making the trip to Las Vegas for the wedding.

We were basking in new love.

Sitting on that Southwest flight we were giddy, cutesy, funny, so full of life and love and spunk. Yeah, that’s right, spunk. At a mere 19 and 22 (22 by a full 2 weeks), she and I thought there was nothing in this world that would stop us. Young, dumb, and full of c…church spirit, our true love and almighty God would endow us with all his greatness and marital majesty. Our lives were new and about to kick some fresh new ass.

Woo fetching hoo!

Seriously—what the hell happened to those times?

The fact is that trip always stands out as one of the times when I can say I was truly happy. So many inside jokes and little quips, quotes, and lines grew out of that trip; lines so pervasive that if I were to say one to her this day she’d know exactly what I was talking about and probably laugh. At the very least smile. We were still using them not long before the separation. For instance, calling her slim and sassy (humorous reference to a cigarette that bore her name and used the line Slim and Sassy as their tag); hairy bum; she’s 3/4ths (her dress size); and the great wearing shorts and basketball shoes for our own wedding debate.

For about five days we had no work, no college classes, no worries and no anything. We were new to each other and everything new was the new excitement of experiencing life as a new couple. It was a magical time.

Much like I’m sure this flight was for that young couple. To look at them I’d be shocked if they were much older than Ex Mrs Portico and I were when we were six months married. And judging by a the brief discussion on home teachers I overheard, and the level of innocence in their exchanges, I’m quite certain they hold the same theological beliefs we did. They—for lack of a better word—are us. We were them.

Now I am me. Ex Mrs Portico is her. And the we of us is a smudge on the window of history.

And sitting here writing these lines, I can honestly say that I can’t see me feeling that way ever again. How does one feel that way again? Can anyone feel that way again?

Maybe, as I’m sure you may be answering my question at this very moment, just maybe we’re not supposed to feel that way again. Maybe the experience and age and transition and evolution of our lives mean we’re in a new position to feel new ways about the new events and circumstances of our aging lives.

Maybe.

One thing’s for sure, that newlywed couple made this newly divorced guy feel awfully old.

And if nothing else, I have definitely found my newest people to dislike.

Many’s the time I sat ensconced on my couch flipping through channels while sitting for what would be the 6th, 7th, 8th straight hour wondering, “why isn’t Casablanca EVER ON TV?”

It has always kind of surprised me. In fact, very few of what are generally considered classic movies are actually aired on tv. Or at least on basic cable. Now Captain Ron I’ve seen dozens of times and I am probably in the 100’s for Roadhouse. But go figure.

Before last night, I had only seen Casablanca once before. Of course, that airing was quite the doozy. It was on Valentine’s Day around 2004. I had heard that the Egyptian theater in Ogden, Utah, was showing it as part of a Valentine’s romantic date night kind of thing. I was stoked and bought tix for Ex Mrs Portico and myself.

I was shocked watching it. The wikipedia page for the movie speaks about it being a movie nobody thought much about. It was “just one of dozens of pictures being churned out by Hollywood every year.” Watching it, it’s hard to believe. It is truly a wonderfully powerful and well-crafted movie.

Of course, the second notable piece of watching that movie that night was that I passed my long-held kidney stone in the Egyptian theater bathroom after the movie let out.

Nice!

The reality still remains, because basic cable never airs these “classic” movies, I have still not seen most of them.

<shame>

This was brought squarely to my embarrassed brain last year when I stumbled upon the AFI’s top 100 movies list (2007). It was almost exactly one year ago today when I posted a simple note to Facebook marking the movies I’ve seen. I of course had 2 hopes in posting the note: first, I wanted to document the list and begin a campaign to actually see them; and second, I wanted to be awesome and start a note that would circle the world and come back to me.

Failed on both fronts.

Oh well. What I can say is that out of the probably 100-125 movies I saw last year, I did increase the “classics” list by 5. Five. Cinco. Fünf. The old five. Five? OMG, FIVE??? I suck.

In fairness to me, the RedBox just doesn’t have these movies in their vending machines. Also, I don’t have NetFlix and despite having the HBO package with roughly 9 different HBO channels, seeing good movies was quite the challenge.

So anyway, how many have you seen? Check out the list and see how you compare.

( ) 1 CITIZEN KANE (1941)
(x) 2 GODFATHER, THE (1972)
(x) 3 CASABLANCA (1942)
( ) 4 RAGING BULL (1980)
(x) 5 SINGIN’ IN THE RAIN (1952)
( ) 6 GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)
( ) 7 LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962)
(x) 8 SCHINDLER’S LIST (1993)
( ) 9 VERTIGO (1958)
(x) 10 WIZARD OF OZ, THE (1939)
( ) 11 CITY LIGHTS (1931)
( ) 12 SEARCHERS, THE (1956)
(x) 13 STAR WARS (1977)
( ) 14 PSYCHO (1960)
(x) 15 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
( ) 16 SUNSET BLVD. (1950)
(x) 17 GRADUATE, THE (1967)
( ) 18 GENERAL, THE (1927)
( ) 19 ON THE WATERFRONT (1954)
(x) 20 IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)
( ) 21 CHINATOWN (1974)
( ) 22 SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)
(x) 23 GRAPES OF WRATH, THE (1940)
(x) 24 E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)
(x) 25 TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962)
First 25 Total: 12

(x) 26 MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON (1939)
( ) 27 HIGH NOON (1952)
( ) 28 ALL ABOUT EVE (1950)
( ) 29 DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944)
(x) 30 APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)
( ) 31 MALTESE FALCON, THE (1941)
(x) 32 GODFATHER PART II, THE (1974)
(x) 33 ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST (1975)
(x) 34 SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937)
( ) 35 ANNIE HALL (1977)
( ) 36 BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI, THE (1957)
( ) 37 BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES, THE (1946)
( ) 38 TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE, THE (1948)
(x) 39 DR. STRANGELOVE (1964)
(x) 40 SOUND OF MUSIC, THE (1965)
( ) 41 KING KONG (1933)
(x) 42 BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967)
( ) 43 MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969)
( ) 44 PHILADELPHIA STORY, THE (1940)
(x) 45 SHANE (1953)
( ) 46 IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT (1934)
( ) 47 STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE, A (1951)
(x) 48 REAR WINDOW (1954)
( ) 49 INTOLERANCE (1916)
(x) 50 LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, THE (2001)
Second 25 Total: 11

(x) 51 WEST SIDE STORY (1961)
(x) 52 TAXI DRIVER (1976)
(x) 53 DEER HUNTER, THE (1978)
(x) 54 M*A*S*H (1970)
(x) 55 NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959)
(x) 56 JAWS (1975)
(x) 57 ROCKY (1976)
( ) 58 GOLD RUSH, THE (1925)
( ) 59 NASHVILLE (1975)
( ) 60 DUCK SOUP (1933)
( ) 61 SULLIVAN’S TRAVELS (1941)
(x) 62 AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973)
( ) 63 CABARET (1972)
( ) 64 NETWORK (1976)
( ) 65 AFRICAN QUEEN, THE (1951)
(x) 66 RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)
( ) 67 WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? (1966)
( ) 68 UNFORGIVEN (1992)
(x) 69 TOOTSIE (1982)
( ) 70 CLOCKWORK ORANGE, A (1971)
(x) 71 SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (1998)
(x) 72 SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, THE (1994)
(x) 73 BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969)
(x) 74 SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, THE (1991)
( ) 75 IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT (1967)
Third 25 Total: 14

(x) 76 FORREST GUMP (1994)
(x) 77 ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN (1976)
( ) 78 MODERN TIMES (1936)
( ) 79 WILD BUNCH, THE (1969)
( ) 80 APARTMENT, THE (1960)
( ) 81 SPARTACUS (1960)
( ) 82 SUNRISE (1927)
(x) 83 TITANIC (1997)
(x) 84 EASY RIDER (1969)
( ) 85 NIGHT AT THE OPERA, A (1935)
(x) 86 PLATOON (1986)
(x) 87 12 ANGRY MEN (1957)
(x) 88 BRINGING UP BABY (1938)
(x) 89 SIXTH SENSE, THE (1999)
( ) 90 SWING TIME (1936)
( ) 91 SOPHIE’S CHOICE (1982)
(x) 92 GOODFELLAS (1990)
( ) 93 FRENCH CONNECTION, THE (1971)
(x) 94 PULP FICTION (1994)
( ) 95 LAST PICTURE SHOW, THE (1971)
(x) 96 DO THE RIGHT THING (1989)
(x) 97 BLADE RUNNER (1982)
( ) 98 YANKEE DOODLE DANDY (1942)
(x) 99 TOY STORY (1995)
( ) 100 BEN-HUR (1959)
Fourth 25 Total: 13

Total: 50

I need motivation.

Something.

Anything.

I feel very uninspired of late. Which is odd seeing my life situation. New things are happening to me constantly. From giant robots in urban windows to befriending a pelican on a pier of massive size, my life is pretty full of “stuff” going on.

There is literally no shortage of material for penning and stories for telling. I feel pretty lucky, actually. All self-deprecation and cheap jokes aside, I’ve always considered myself a homebody of sorts. I lack the requisite energy to really take life by the balls and swing it in the general direction of excitement and grand adventure. I typically am quite content to wear out the cushions on the couch as I bask in the glory of Burt Reynold’s moustache.

But that hasn’t been my life over the last while. I’ve been killing it. Big time. It’s been, as a surfer might put it, epic. I’ve taken a weekend bender to Vegas where I dominated a hill—and a bottle of champagne—then swam in a pool with a giant shark aquarium with my kids; I’ve seen live shows and great bands galore; I’ve seen whales, dolphins, seals and all manner of wildlife; I’ve witnessed the most beautiful sunsets I never thought possible, not once, but a dozen times at least; I went on a quick roadie to Disneyland and followed it up with a tour of the beaches of LA; I watched a game of the World Series in a Yankees bar filled with loud and excited Yankee fans; I lived in a kick ass, top-floor condo in downtown San Diego and roamed the streets at all hours of the night; and that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head.

It hasn’t been all great though. My bike was stolen on my birthday; my car is falling apart, including not passing CA smog; my condo in Salt Lake has been sucking me dry followed by issues with my insurance policy AND getting in trouble for not following proper procedure for renting it—the association may penalize me and my tenants; I live in a room on an airmattress; and I really miss my kids.

But all in all, I’ve met some amazingly cool people who are supportive and constantly willing to show me that there are good people all around us. And I’ve done it all in one of the most beautiful areas of the world.

Just this morning I sat outside my office on a call with my bank and watched as birds flitted about on the branches of the palm trees that stand tall and beautiful while the sun showered me with warmth.

From beginning to end, my life has been pretty good.

I guess I just thought this sort of adventure would lead to creative expression. Maybe heightened output. There are stories all around me. Why hasn’t it led to writing something great? Something at all? Anything?

Maybe it will come.

Maybe not.

But one thing’s for sure, I’m really digging this ride.

Brilliant.

One of the biggest errors straight men make in their dating efforts is underestimating the opportunities available at gay bars. Straight men are terrified of gay bars. Why? Because they think gay men will try to hit on them. As if any self-respecting gay man would waste his time on a straight guy. Or be interested. Arrogant much? But women who have gay friends, on the other hand, love it. Most women love gay men. And these women are usually quite attractive and intelligent. And so they’ll spend time at a gay bar, getting comfortable knowing they can spend time with men while avoiding a deluge of never-ending advances straight men subject them to in regular bars. They can let loose.

But the fact is, they still want a man. It becomes an exercise in contradiction as they continually see what they want but can never have. It’s like being offered plates of food they want but can’t eat. So while they on the one hand hang out with their gay friends to enjoy hassle-free time from straight male pursuers, the opposite effect tends to pull quite heavily in increasing their desire for a man in their life. It becomes confusing. Disorienting. And if you’re anything like me, you need all the compromised states of emotion you can get.

Decreased competition. Increased desire. Win win.

So if you’re having trouble meeting girls, try a gay bar. You just might be surprised.

WASHINGTON—Fresh off further defeats in local and national elections yesterday, and the complete failure to pass President Obama’s national healthcare plan, leaders of the Democratic and Republican parties announced today in a joint statement that the Democratic National Party is being disbanded effective immediately.

Appearing together, former Governor Tim Kaine, Chairman of the Democratic National Party, and Michael Steele, the Republican Party’s national chairman, showed solidarity in the joint statement.

“Today is an exciting day for Decmocrats,” read Gov. Kaine from the prepared statement, “for today we celebrate that the Democratic Party has an important role to play in this country, it just isn’t in politics.”

“That’s right,” continued Chairman Steele, “the Democratic Party has served an invaluable service to this country—largely through, you know, acting and making music and stuff—and we hope that this will continue. But Governor Kaine is right; it will no longer be in a political arena. That’s best left to the right, if you know what I mean.”

The decision, while coming as a shock to reporters, has been widely expected by Washington insiders for years. Frank Schmidt, a campaign manager for numerous Democratic campaigns explains, “It just makes sense. I mean, in America’s two-party system, Democrats are clearly number four, depending on the poll, maybe number three.”

“But in terms of influence,” added Beverly Singleton, a political analyst for the Avery Institute, “Democrats are clearly much lower than five.”

“What we’ve seen,” continued Mr. Schmidt, “is a Republican party which has not only operated effectively in, but has wildly succeeded in spite of, a general disdain for a majority of people in the electorate. Championing the causes of exclusion and empowerment to the wealthy and the establishment, they have not only managed to pull people in at all levels, they’ve managed to hold them there. As a party, how do we compete with that?”

“The Republican Party,” noted Ms. Singleton, “is like the Church of Scientology religion: complete and utter bullshit but still manages to thrive without bounds. It’s really quite impressive.”

According to the statement, President Obama will continue on as President for the remainder of his term until the yet-to-be-named Republican candidate ceremoniously replaces him. In exchange, the Republican Party will cease all racism against his person and his agenda.

As part of the agreement, Democrats will for the most part continue on as they have for decades and the change will go largely unnoticed.

For those few actively involved in party’s platforms, attention will be turned full force to endeavors more clearly suited to Democratic sensibilities, namely movies, music, pop culture, and as Michael Steele stated, “painting pretty pictures, and things.”

Said Gov. Kaine, “While this marks the end of the party itself, this is not the end of the Democratic spirit. We will still be here, making your movies, dancing for you, singin’ and a pickin’ our guitars for you. Everything that’s good about the Democratic Party will continue on. We’ll still be here to intellectualize wine varietals while at Oscars parties or discuss the sheer gaudiness of that woman’s dress at the recent Broadway opening. We will still be here. We will continue on. We will do everything the Democratic Party clearly excels in.”

When asked if there was any one single thing that stood out in his decision, Gov. Kaine suddenly became sullen and introspective. He finally noted that not being able to overcome eight years of President Bush was difficult. “I think every Democrat,” he almost inaudibly whispered, the weight of this difficult failure resting visibly on his shoulders, “I mean, FUCK man. How did we not overcome Bush? The guy was a complete and total tard and we still couldn’t manage to do anything with it. Shit!”

“The best thing to do,” interjected Mr. Steele putting the consoling hand upon Kaine’s frustrated shoulders, “is to live your lives. Do your thing. Explore the talents of entertaining. Work in soup kitchens. Talk about how cool it would be if you helped impoverished countries. Do the philosophizing that makes Democrats so worthwhile in our neighborhoods, in our cities, our communities. Do those things. Love those things. Leave politics to the professionals. It’s just better that way; and we get some better TV shows. This is a win for America.”

No word yet on the fate of Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid.

For those who take things literal, this is fake news. Not a real article.

ATLANTA—In a study released today, researchers at the Dockery Institute are perplexed over a growing trend among the nation’s would-be criminals. According to the study, approximately 37% of these would-be assassins, kidnappers, sociopathic and domestic violence perpetrators are scrapping criminal plans citing fear stemming from a most unusual source. The reason? Jeffery Dockins, Director of Research at the Institute states simply, “Nancy Grace.” The numbers seem to clearly indicate that Nancy Grace is causing an overwhelming sense of fear among these future felons. “Have you seen her? Listened to her? Watched her eyes pierce your soul from deep beyond those bangs?” asks Tim Creighton, a Gainesville, Florida, man who gave up his plan to kidnap his ex girlfriend last year, “She freaks me the [expletive] out!” Known for her hard-hitting and tenacious stances on cases she single-handedly turns into high profile cases and her virulent pressure she applies to named, and sometimes unnamed suspects, Ms. Grace speaks unabashedly and unapologetically about her particular “facts” of the cases, often in spite of actual facts or evidence in the case. “The surprising aspect of this study,” states Mr. Dockins, “is that among this very large sample group, nearly 89% of potential perpetrators fear Nancy more than both corporal punishment and life prison terms in some of the nation’s most notorious prisons. It is truly remarkable.” Sam Harding, was shocked to know that the brutal torture for which he was targeted was stunted by fear of Nancy Grace, saying, “Yeah, obviously I’m glad, and frankly, I understand it. Have you watched her show?” Tina Baker, a legal studies professor at Mannheim Law School is excited by this news, “We in the legal community have long known that Nancy’s ability to trump innocence until proven guilty for the much more appropriate appearance of guilt being absolute, but now we see that due process may not be such a Constitutional benefit altogether.” She continues, “And if we can start the process of trying all cases in the media, what greater ‘jury of your peers can one have?’ It’s all very exciting.” Ms. Grace was not available for comment, but her Program Director assured that Ms. Grace is more confident now than she’s ever been that a good lawyer can do far more on television than the finest attorney could ever dream of doing in the court room.

For those who take things literal, this is fake news. Not a real article.

I discovered recently that there’s a line in Yoga practice where the instructor will instruct “Remove the flesh from your sitting bones.”

I found that interesting because I’ve been trying my pick up line, “May I add some meat to your sitting bones?” for years. Surprisingly, it has never worked. Maybe I need to target it to the Yoga audience.

Well, people of the interweb, it’s been a strange couple weeks for random things I’ve overheard. It is true what they say, you’ll hear some amazing things if you but stop to listen. Okay, nobody actually ever said that (that I know of (besides me of course)), but I do believe it.

I think the one common thread about people is that we’re all messed up well beyond our capacity to actually admit to.

Like the couple outside having their pictures taken, which based on what I’m watching I can only imagine are engagement pictures, the photographer’s assistant is a woman, probably in her mid-fifties who looks like she’s at least 70. Her hacking laugh, which is a little too quickly unleashed, can be heard on the street 7 floors below.

So, here are a couple I’ve recently heard.

On getting old:

And this is tortoise…

Tortoise? Why do they call you tortoise?

Cuz he walks so damn slow, it’s like he’s carrying a huge shell on
his back.

Yeah, the shell of the man I once was.

On work:

Just call me machete.
I’m perfect for every hack job.

On making big deals over nothing:

Certified hyperbologist.

On dating:

I’m against head games. That’s why I only think with my dick.

On apathy:

I’m full of excuses and I share.

On, well, who knows:

It smells good because I farted.

MINNEAPOLIS – Target Corporation, the nation’s #2 discount retailer is under attack from a small but vocal group of consumers unhappy with the company’s continual decline in what they call, “shitty” service. The controversy centers around the company’s decision to scale back the size of their grocery bags, which according to the group, no longer function as adequate trash bags in their homes. Ted Robbins, the protester’s self-proclaimed leader explains, “When I first started shopping at Target, their bags were perfect for using in my kitchen garbage can, I could fit all kinds of shit in there. Now? Barely a box of cereal and the wads of paper towels I use to clean up shit spilled by these damn kids.” Mary Robbins, Ted’s ex-wife, but current partner in protest, agreed emphatically. “It used to be,” she edged in, hijacking the conversation, “we could fit a good couple day’s worth of shit in these bags. Now the damn things are overflowing with just like a couple diapers and an empty milk jug. What the (f…).” They also spoke of how in the bathroom garbage, the current bag accommodates the smaller size can, but the “thin, shitty bags” hardly provide a barrier for wet refuse placed in them, such as wet hair from the drain, “soiled” hygiene products, and well, other shit. The company admits that the size of their bags has slowly decreased over the years, but with the current economic situation, they found reducing the size of their bags to be a favorable cost-cutting solution. Barry Denlow, Corporate Spokesperson, admits a certain level of confusion over not just the protest, but the practice itself, adding, “Why don’t they just buy actual garbage bags, we sell a shitload of them.”

For those who take things literal, this is fake news. Not a real article.