myPortico

I need motivation.

Something.

Anything.

I feel very uninspired of late. Which is odd seeing my life situation. New things are happening to me constantly. From giant robots in urban windows to befriending a pelican on a pier of massive size, my life is pretty full of “stuff” going on.

There is literally no shortage of material for penning and stories for telling. I feel pretty lucky, actually. All self-deprecation and cheap jokes aside, I’ve always considered myself a homebody of sorts. I lack the requisite energy to really take life by the balls and swing it in the general direction of excitement and grand adventure. I typically am quite content to wear out the cushions on the couch as I bask in the glory of Burt Reynold’s moustache.

But that hasn’t been my life over the last while. I’ve been killing it. Big time. It’s been, as a surfer might put it, epic. I’ve taken a weekend bender to Vegas where I dominated a hill—and a bottle of champagne—then swam in a pool with a giant shark aquarium with my kids; I’ve seen live shows and great bands galore; I’ve seen whales, dolphins, seals and all manner of wildlife; I’ve witnessed the most beautiful sunsets I never thought possible, not once, but a dozen times at least; I went on a quick roadie to Disneyland and followed it up with a tour of the beaches of LA; I watched a game of the World Series in a Yankees bar filled with loud and excited Yankee fans; I lived in a kick ass, top-floor condo in downtown San Diego and roamed the streets at all hours of the night; and that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head.

It hasn’t been all great though. My bike was stolen on my birthday; my car is falling apart, including not passing CA smog; my condo in Salt Lake has been sucking me dry followed by issues with my insurance policy AND getting in trouble for not following proper procedure for renting it—the association may penalize me and my tenants; I live in a room on an airmattress; and I really miss my kids.

But all in all, I’ve met some amazingly cool people who are supportive and constantly willing to show me that there are good people all around us. And I’ve done it all in one of the most beautiful areas of the world.

Just this morning I sat outside my office on a call with my bank and watched as birds flitted about on the branches of the palm trees that stand tall and beautiful while the sun showered me with warmth.

From beginning to end, my life has been pretty good.

I guess I just thought this sort of adventure would lead to creative expression. Maybe heightened output. There are stories all around me. Why hasn’t it led to writing something great? Something at all? Anything?

Maybe it will come.

Maybe not.

But one thing’s for sure, I’m really digging this ride.

Brilliant.

One of the biggest errors straight men make in their dating efforts is underestimating the opportunities available at gay bars. Straight men are terrified of gay bars. Why? Because they think gay men will try to hit on them. As if any self-respecting gay man would waste his time on a straight guy. Or be interested. Arrogant much? But women who have gay friends, on the other hand, love it. Most women love gay men. And these women are usually quite attractive and intelligent. And so they’ll spend time at a gay bar, getting comfortable knowing they can spend time with men while avoiding a deluge of never-ending advances straight men subject them to in regular bars. They can let loose.

But the fact is, they still want a man. It becomes an exercise in contradiction as they continually see what they want but can never have. It’s like being offered plates of food they want but can’t eat. So while they on the one hand hang out with their gay friends to enjoy hassle-free time from straight male pursuers, the opposite effect tends to pull quite heavily in increasing their desire for a man in their life. It becomes confusing. Disorienting. And if you’re anything like me, you need all the compromised states of emotion you can get.

Decreased competition. Increased desire. Win win.

So if you’re having trouble meeting girls, try a gay bar. You just might be surprised.

WASHINGTON—Fresh off further defeats in local and national elections yesterday, and the complete failure to pass President Obama’s national healthcare plan, leaders of the Democratic and Republican parties announced today in a joint statement that the Democratic National Party is being disbanded effective immediately.

Appearing together, former Governor Tim Kaine, Chairman of the Democratic National Party, and Michael Steele, the Republican Party’s national chairman, showed solidarity in the joint statement.

“Today is an exciting day for Decmocrats,” read Gov. Kaine from the prepared statement, “for today we celebrate that the Democratic Party has an important role to play in this country, it just isn’t in politics.”

“That’s right,” continued Chairman Steele, “the Democratic Party has served an invaluable service to this country—largely through, you know, acting and making music and stuff—and we hope that this will continue. But Governor Kaine is right; it will no longer be in a political arena. That’s best left to the right, if you know what I mean.”

The decision, while coming as a shock to reporters, has been widely expected by Washington insiders for years. Frank Schmidt, a campaign manager for numerous Democratic campaigns explains, “It just makes sense. I mean, in America’s two-party system, Democrats are clearly number four, depending on the poll, maybe number three.”

“But in terms of influence,” added Beverly Singleton, a political analyst for the Avery Institute, “Democrats are clearly much lower than five.”

“What we’ve seen,” continued Mr. Schmidt, “is a Republican party which has not only operated effectively in, but has wildly succeeded in spite of, a general disdain for a majority of people in the electorate. Championing the causes of exclusion and empowerment to the wealthy and the establishment, they have not only managed to pull people in at all levels, they’ve managed to hold them there. As a party, how do we compete with that?”

“The Republican Party,” noted Ms. Singleton, “is like the Church of Scientology religion: complete and utter bullshit but still manages to thrive without bounds. It’s really quite impressive.”

According to the statement, President Obama will continue on as President for the remainder of his term until the yet-to-be-named Republican candidate ceremoniously replaces him. In exchange, the Republican Party will cease all racism against his person and his agenda.

As part of the agreement, Democrats will for the most part continue on as they have for decades and the change will go largely unnoticed.

For those few actively involved in party’s platforms, attention will be turned full force to endeavors more clearly suited to Democratic sensibilities, namely movies, music, pop culture, and as Michael Steele stated, “painting pretty pictures, and things.”

Said Gov. Kaine, “While this marks the end of the party itself, this is not the end of the Democratic spirit. We will still be here, making your movies, dancing for you, singin’ and a pickin’ our guitars for you. Everything that’s good about the Democratic Party will continue on. We’ll still be here to intellectualize wine varietals while at Oscars parties or discuss the sheer gaudiness of that woman’s dress at the recent Broadway opening. We will still be here. We will continue on. We will do everything the Democratic Party clearly excels in.”

When asked if there was any one single thing that stood out in his decision, Gov. Kaine suddenly became sullen and introspective. He finally noted that not being able to overcome eight years of President Bush was difficult. “I think every Democrat,” he almost inaudibly whispered, the weight of this difficult failure resting visibly on his shoulders, “I mean, FUCK man. How did we not overcome Bush? The guy was a complete and total tard and we still couldn’t manage to do anything with it. Shit!”

“The best thing to do,” interjected Mr. Steele putting the consoling hand upon Kaine’s frustrated shoulders, “is to live your lives. Do your thing. Explore the talents of entertaining. Work in soup kitchens. Talk about how cool it would be if you helped impoverished countries. Do the philosophizing that makes Democrats so worthwhile in our neighborhoods, in our cities, our communities. Do those things. Love those things. Leave politics to the professionals. It’s just better that way; and we get some better TV shows. This is a win for America.”

No word yet on the fate of Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid.

For those who take things literal, this is fake news. Not a real article.

ATLANTA—In a study released today, researchers at the Dockery Institute are perplexed over a growing trend among the nation’s would-be criminals. According to the study, approximately 37% of these would-be assassins, kidnappers, sociopathic and domestic violence perpetrators are scrapping criminal plans citing fear stemming from a most unusual source. The reason? Jeffery Dockins, Director of Research at the Institute states simply, “Nancy Grace.” The numbers seem to clearly indicate that Nancy Grace is causing an overwhelming sense of fear among these future felons. “Have you seen her? Listened to her? Watched her eyes pierce your soul from deep beyond those bangs?” asks Tim Creighton, a Gainesville, Florida, man who gave up his plan to kidnap his ex girlfriend last year, “She freaks me the [expletive] out!” Known for her hard-hitting and tenacious stances on cases she single-handedly turns into high profile cases and her virulent pressure she applies to named, and sometimes unnamed suspects, Ms. Grace speaks unabashedly and unapologetically about her particular “facts” of the cases, often in spite of actual facts or evidence in the case. “The surprising aspect of this study,” states Mr. Dockins, “is that among this very large sample group, nearly 89% of potential perpetrators fear Nancy more than both corporal punishment and life prison terms in some of the nation’s most notorious prisons. It is truly remarkable.” Sam Harding, was shocked to know that the brutal torture for which he was targeted was stunted by fear of Nancy Grace, saying, “Yeah, obviously I’m glad, and frankly, I understand it. Have you watched her show?” Tina Baker, a legal studies professor at Mannheim Law School is excited by this news, “We in the legal community have long known that Nancy’s ability to trump innocence until proven guilty for the much more appropriate appearance of guilt being absolute, but now we see that due process may not be such a Constitutional benefit altogether.” She continues, “And if we can start the process of trying all cases in the media, what greater ‘jury of your peers can one have?’ It’s all very exciting.” Ms. Grace was not available for comment, but her Program Director assured that Ms. Grace is more confident now than she’s ever been that a good lawyer can do far more on television than the finest attorney could ever dream of doing in the court room.

For those who take things literal, this is fake news. Not a real article.

I discovered recently that there’s a line in Yoga practice where the instructor will instruct “Remove the flesh from your sitting bones.”

I found that interesting because I’ve been trying my pick up line, “May I add some meat to your sitting bones?” for years. Surprisingly, it has never worked. Maybe I need to target it to the Yoga audience.

Well, people of the interweb, it’s been a strange couple weeks for random things I’ve overheard. It is true what they say, you’ll hear some amazing things if you but stop to listen. Okay, nobody actually ever said that (that I know of (besides me of course)), but I do believe it.

I think the one common thread about people is that we’re all messed up well beyond our capacity to actually admit to.

Like the couple outside having their pictures taken, which based on what I’m watching I can only imagine are engagement pictures, the photographer’s assistant is a woman, probably in her mid-fifties who looks like she’s at least 70. Her hacking laugh, which is a little too quickly unleashed, can be heard on the street 7 floors below.

So, here are a couple I’ve recently heard.

On getting old:

And this is tortoise…

Tortoise? Why do they call you tortoise?

Cuz he walks so damn slow, it’s like he’s carrying a huge shell on
his back.

Yeah, the shell of the man I once was.

On work:

Just call me machete.
I’m perfect for every hack job.

On making big deals over nothing:

Certified hyperbologist.

On dating:

I’m against head games. That’s why I only think with my dick.

On apathy:

I’m full of excuses and I share.

On, well, who knows:

It smells good because I farted.

MINNEAPOLIS – Target Corporation, the nation’s #2 discount retailer is under attack from a small but vocal group of consumers unhappy with the company’s continual decline in what they call, “shitty” service. The controversy centers around the company’s decision to scale back the size of their grocery bags, which according to the group, no longer function as adequate trash bags in their homes. Ted Robbins, the protester’s self-proclaimed leader explains, “When I first started shopping at Target, their bags were perfect for using in my kitchen garbage can, I could fit all kinds of shit in there. Now? Barely a box of cereal and the wads of paper towels I use to clean up shit spilled by these damn kids.” Mary Robbins, Ted’s ex-wife, but current partner in protest, agreed emphatically. “It used to be,” she edged in, hijacking the conversation, “we could fit a good couple day’s worth of shit in these bags. Now the damn things are overflowing with just like a couple diapers and an empty milk jug. What the (f…).” They also spoke of how in the bathroom garbage, the current bag accommodates the smaller size can, but the “thin, shitty bags” hardly provide a barrier for wet refuse placed in them, such as wet hair from the drain, “soiled” hygiene products, and well, other shit. The company admits that the size of their bags has slowly decreased over the years, but with the current economic situation, they found reducing the size of their bags to be a favorable cost-cutting solution. Barry Denlow, Corporate Spokesperson, admits a certain level of confusion over not just the protest, but the practice itself, adding, “Why don’t they just buy actual garbage bags, we sell a shitload of them.”

For those who take things literal, this is fake news. Not a real article.

When I bought my first iPhone, my excitement was uncontainable. Finally, little old me, the guy who didn’t just buy things “late” in the game, but usually bought things well after they’d become mostly passé and/or irrelevant, was crossing the threshold of johnny-come-lately and joining the fray with a piece of cutting edge technology. The “new.” The “now.”

You see, I did in fact buy the iPhone, gen 1, on opening day. I was one of the weirdos waiting in line at an AT&T store salivating over dreams of Apple greatness. I was so excited that the wonderful Meggypoo arrived at the store a couple hours before me to get my spot in line while I anxiously counted the minutes until I could leave work. Kid on Christmas morning? Boy on last day of school? Those don’t even begin to describe how excited I was.

So now it’s been a couple years. I upgraded the phone I bought that day to the 3G and had it not been for a strange upgrade policy—I could have upgraded to 3GS had I spent $7 more per month on my bill, go figure—I would most likely have that one as well.

What’s troubling to me as I now wake up on this fine San Diego morning, is that I am experiencing some pain in my thumbs. My left thumb to be precise. You see, I predominantly use my left thumb when typing on the phone.

From the first moments I bought the iPhone, I wondered about the potential side effects of how it’s designed. In those early days, I mostly lamented that lack of actual, “raised” buttons made typing a non-tactile experience and completely visual. It’s damn near impossible to type on the iPhone without looking. Which, given the focus on texting and driving of late, maybe that’s a residual benefit, though I’m sure many (huh-hmmm) still type on their iPhones while driving.

But I also noted that pressing the hard glass surface hurt the tips of my fingers. I wondered how long it would be before it would become a problem. My finger tips quickly adjusted and while it never rose to the level of “pain,” I have often tried to pay attention to my fingers and make sure I don’t hurt them.

Carpal tunnel afflictions can be very serious. Frequent, repetitive motions, especially those which involve striking another object, can be quite problematic.

So I’ve often worried about the risks. And then the last couple days came. For 2 or 3 days now, my thumbs are so sore I can’t use them at all to type on my phone. The tips where they touch the screen send sensations and the muscles where the movements happen are cramped and painful.

Now everyone who knows me knows that I spend A LOT of time on my iPhone—too much time—so it’s not surprising at all. But I can’t think I’m the only one. A lot of people use their phones probably more than I do. Are we all setting ourselves up for potentially painful side effects? Will the iPhone become the real-life, modern-day version of the Opti-Grab?

Now I’m taking it easy on using it too much. Hopefully some R&R will help the pain, and then after a while I’ll learn I don’t have to spend every waking moment tied to it.

But for now, I guess I throw this out to the interwebs to see if anyone else is experiencing anything like this.

It’s hard to believe that 8 months and 7 days passed by without the blessing—drain—that is a job. Laid off on December 3, 2008, I knew finding a new gig would be arduous. Long. Painful even.

But being one who doesn’t define himself by the work he does, or by any measure of productive contributions to society, I had a fairly strong sense that it would be the happiest time of my life. And it was.

Hey, I know me, what can I say.

Sadly Thankfully, it has come to an end and I now have a new job. In a new town. With a whole different life.

I look forward to all the opportunities that come with that and am excited for what lies in store in the coming days, months, years (hopefully).

But think about it, 8 months! That’s a long time. That’s just short of a normal human gestational period. A baby could have not even been thought of, conceived, and born in the time I was sitting on my couch all day watching movies. That’s pretty awesome. (Happy to report NO babies were born whilst I was laid off, at least none that I sired.)

Eight months is a long time. In a way, I’m kind of stoked about that. Proud. Praise Zeus, I kinda rule. Cheers to me!

With all the time in the world, you’d think that I’d have been able to do this or experience that. But as Green Day so eloquently puts it, sometime it’s hard to pull yourself off that velcro seat and get your expanding ass moving (okay, I modified it a little). But more than that, there’s all the pesky, “hey, I gotta actually LOOK for a job…and stuff,” or the “hey, I don’t have any friggin money” thing. Can be really counterproductive to maximizing your time while unemployed. Not to mention the time involved when you actually get interviews. It really distracts from the end goal which is to live large and kick ass.

So I can’t help but think of all the things I didn’t do during that time. Or accomplish. Had I the motivation, or desire, or wherewithal, or ambition, I could have really taken the world by storm and knocked an item or 50 off that old bucket list.

But then I wouldn’t be me, now would I? So here are some of the things I didn’t do during my unemployment:

• Get anyone pregnant (just wanted to reiterate that from above)
• Go to Mexico
• Go to Canada
• Rebuild a carburetor
• Take part in civil unrest
• Get arrested
• See all the movies on AFI’s Top 100
• Try every restaurant
• Backpack through the Ozarks
• Or become an expert on Hillbilly culture
• Write that novel
• Write that screenplay
• Write that blog
• Write that ANY-THING!!!
• Cut my toenails
• Or fingernails
• Or hair
• Didn’t slim down
• Or get more healthy
• Or improve myself in any appreciable way
• Didn’t learn to design a Web site
• Or upgrade my blog (still on WordPress version OMG You’re Retarded)
• Learn how to drive a boat
• Partake in activities deemed unsavory by most standards of decency on said boat
• Finish restoring my ‘66 VW
• Play chess with the homeless
• Internalize The Commando’s Guide to Free and Easy Living
• Troll myspace for creepy girls looking to score
• Troll craigslist dating section for…heh-hmmm, nevermind
• Spend that week in Maui just pampering myself
• With a little Thai stick
• Figure out how to make unemployment permanent
• End my unemployment by taking a job at a donut shop

So there you have it.

There is a list of stuff I did do, and well, it’s considerably shorter. Most of it centers around watching the entire Burt Reynolds catalog and being astounded at how desperately my hair is retreating like the French Army to any aggressor who crosses their border.

But you know, I did get to spend a lot of time with my kids, and I discovered that they’re pretty cool. We had a lot of really good times going swimming, watching movies, playing in the park, going to Vegas, renaming the boy Carlos, NO, wait, that was something else. Anyway, I gained an appreciation for the little people they are and all the things they bring into my life.

I also got to spend a lot of time with Queen Z, and gained a friend I’ll hopefully have for life, because, let’s face it, she’s pretty amazing.

And now, I’m off to work. Yay.